Waterfront

First post of 2023 and actually the first for a few months. As ever - if you prefer to listen as opposed to read there is an audio version at the bottom.

The last few months have been hectic for a number of reasons - with a great deal of change to confront. Some of which I have dealt with pretty well - and the rest of it much less so. It is still a challenging time but one I know I will get through - and I need to remember what helps me - and doing this is a huge positive for me mentally so it is something I need to push myself on.

Before I go any further, I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year - and that I hope 2023 brings happiness and positivity to you all. New Year’s have always been a conundrum for me. Obviously I am aware that time moves on and according to the calendar we move from month to month and therefore year to year - I am referring more to the emphasis placed around the beginning of a new year. The urgency to make resolutions. Draw a line. Create a new version of yourself. Heaping loads of pressure on yourself - because of a date. Simply due to one day ending and another beginning. I appreciate this works for a ton of people - and I admire those that can operate like that. For me, I have to make sure I am in a calm and safe zone with my mind before I commit to driving change - and that isn’t something that can be dictated by a date.

Finding that calm or safe zone where I can operate affectively has always been a challenge for me. I am emotive. I am empathetic. I react. I analyse. So my mind is ticking constantly. It can be doing anything from embellishing to catastrophising or blocking things out and closing positives off. This doesn’t represent clear air. It doesn’t give you room to move or think. It is certainly not a place which will allow you to become more affective and make the changes you want to - well it doesn’t for me. Which is why I need to find those places, draw up the positive energy and recognise what my powers and abilities are - and then I can act. It is amazing where I can find these places. Some of them are pretty unusual yet they have given me power and comfort for years. Some of them for decades. It doesn’t have to be a physical location - although some of them are. Music is one for me - as I have said many times. Being around certain people is another. I gain confidence, energy and belief from these environments. It is the same when I know I have helped someone or something - or that I have achieved / realised a goal. It is just harder for me to recognise when I have had a positive impact on someone - or on a situation. Or when I have achieved anything. My brain blocks it off so I can’t feed from it. Music. Certain people. Some physical locations or senses - they are the ones my brain cannot shut down completely - not matter how hard it might try.

Which brings me on to the choice of song for this blog. Waterfront - by Simple Minds. This came out in 1983 originally and was remastered a few years later and is probably not a song that features on people’s radars as easily as some of the others I have written about. For me, it is an all time classic and always will be. I like the song as a stand alone piece of work and the lyrics have meanings for me - which I will touch on - but the number 1 reason is that is is the current walk out music for my football team, Sheffield Wednesday - at our home ground Hillsborough. I have come to realise and remember over the last few months that this is one of my original safe places - somewhere I can really be me - and a place that centres me and makes me think.

Doing the walk to the stadium after parking in the same place I have always parked still makes my hair stand up on my neck. Watching my boy walk towards it with the same excitement is a massive bonus. I have been careful not to force sport onto either of my children but let them discover it themselves. They both enjoy playing lots of different sports and to my surprise both enjoy going to watch Sheffield Wednesday too. I appreciate this might not last long so I will enjoy it whilst they do! But that walk down the hill to the ground. Going into the South Stand. Following my rituals. Same sandwich. Program bought from the same seller. In the ground as soon as the gates open (90 minutes before kick off) after watching our players arrive - and the opposition team. Sitting in my season ticket seat scrutinising training. Arguing with my dad that we cannot go and stand inside as we might miss something. Watching the ground fill up (we still get over 20,000 even though we are in League One) and listening to the music as the tension builds before kick off. Then as the players come out - on comes Waterfront - and we are ready to go. This drives so many feelings for me. So many memories. Some great ones. Some truly awful ones. A life changing tragedy that I sadly witnessed and still haunts me and anyone else that was there that day. But - it is the place where I feel the most me. That I have been at no matter where I am in my life. No matter what my head is doing. What my feelings are. I go there and it is like a wave comes over me. From the walk down to the ground - to the drive home - it cleanses me. It makes me realise I am still me. That no matter what is happening around me - I am me. I can be in control of my destiny and what I want to achieve. That I am capable. That I should make it happen. I should drive myself forward. It gives me clarity. I have been going there since 1984 so it isn’t a surprise that it feels like home - I think the surprise for me is how much it does for me - the effect it has and the powers it holds after all this time.

The current walk on song is something that also makes the hairs stand up. Like I said - it is a great track - I think Simple Minds are massively underrated - but I think the combination of a great song, the atmosphere and the players walking out onto the pitch elevate the experience even further.

As a stand alone song - the lyrics also make me something. In particular:

Get in, get out of the rain
I'm going to move on up to the waterfront
Step in, step out of the rain
I'm goin' to walk on up to the waterfront
Said, one million years from today
I'm goin' to step on up to the waterfront
Get in, get out of the rain
Come in, come out of the rain

So far, so good, so close, yet still so far
So far, so good, so close, yet still so
So far, so far, so far

I started this piece by talking about how I need a safe place - one of my sanctuaries to reset my brain and figure out how to move forward. I have talked about that in other blogs - and referred to it as a fog. The lyrics above offer a similar reminder to me. “Get in, get out of the rain” are what I hear - and what encourage me to refresh myself and make some changes. “So far, so good, so close, yet still so far” are also what I hear as reminders that I have a long way to go - that I am still not right or ready to be my best self - and that I need to continue the journey. Again - this is how a song is personally interpreted.

The point of this piece is to remind myself that change does not need to be scary. Or negative. I am about to leave my job after 18 years. 18 years of developing and growing a business. I have no idea what to do next. It is scary. It is uncertain. My insecurities are heightened. My belief in my abilities is very low. But that is my fog. That is where I need to step in, step out of the rain. Sitting at Hillsborough last Monday with my son, and on Saturday night with my daughter reminded me of all the changes I have been through before. The challenges I have faced. Those 2 visits made me remember other times where I was hugely uncertain. But that I had got through them. I had grown. I had learnt. I was stronger. I am determined that I will reflect on this period of my life at another game in the future, and smile at the uncertainty that I felt, the ways I was questioning myself, the negativity I heaped on myself and be really proud of how I got through it and how I grew. That is what drives me forward. I will need help to get me there. I am in a troubling mindset right now but it will change. I need to remember what my safety nets are - be them people, activities or places - and be present in them more than I have lately.

As ever - it is a battle. But I am determined to get there.

Thanks for reading.

Love

JT xxxx