Sympathy For The Devil

I started writing this blog on the 5th January - it has taken me an age to try and get it down and complete it. I am not sure if it will even be coherent or cover what I set out to cover - but let’s see shall we. Sometimes it is just really hard to understand all my thoughts well enough to express them and this has definitely been one of those occasions. As ever there is a recorded version at the end if you would prefer to listen instead of reading.

Throughout my life, one of my major challenges has been self doubt. To the point where it has been crippling at times - prevented me from making the most of situations, made me miss out on opportunities, make bad decisions because they were safe and stopped me growing. Anything related to myself is a massive challenge. I have a huge issue when it comes to self worth and self belief. I am the sort of person who believes (not thinks) that they have never really achieved anything. Where every negative is accentuated enormously - and every positive causes physical pain.

So much is talked about imposter syndrome - I think there is certainly part of it here - but it goes beyond that. I never feel secure. I always feel I am having to prove myself. I cannot stand still. Even when I have free time - I find it hard to stop still and not do anything. I sleep poorly. I can’t rest. I never feel comfortable. Which is why what I am going through right now is scary. Really scary.

I have been lucky in my life that I found a job I was pretty reasonable at. I took to it well. Started generating results. Took on more responsibility. Became a leader. Grew a team. Brought in some very big deals. Handled some huge accounts. I held that job for over 18 years - and I never got fired so I obviously did okay. People don’t last long in sales if they don’t perform - so I guess the proof is there. However, that is over. Done. I am out. It has been a weird, slow goodbye having handed my notice in back in November but I am fully out now. My choice. The organization that bought the company I worked for made it very clear I had a future there and were welcoming - but they are a large company and I never ever felt like I would fit in within a large organization. I get lost. I like to see the affect I am having. I like to set my own direction. A large company - It just doesn’t suit me.

So the only option was to leave. With no real plan. Absolutely needing work for the obvious financial reasons we all face. That is a massive test at the best of times - but when you are challenged with self doubt it becomes monumental. The negative thoughts fly in. What if I never find a job? What are my skills? What am I capable of? Who is going to hire me? Do people know me?

As a sales person (which I fundamentally am) I am only as good as my last month. Yeah your history buys you time and credibility. But it is always down to numbers. You’re naked without them. I am good at selling stuff. Products. Services. Relationships. They are my strengths. I built some very strong client relationships over my time. But now I am out of the space where those relationships were built - what the hell happens next. What if those powers have waned. What if I can’t do that anymore. Then I am basically fucked. That is the fear talking. The devil on my shoulder reminding me of my weaknesses. Trapping me in a cycle. Where I go from selling million pound deals, through every sales job under the sun unable to sell anything. If you have ever watched The Simpsons - there is a character in there called Gil - who is basically a struggling sales person who never catches a break. I have always had a fear that I would become Gil.

Yet another irrational fear that confronts me. Deep down I know I have skills. I know I am not just a sales person. I am a leader. I can inspire people. I can get people to buy into me. I know this. But accessing that information can be so incredibly hard. I need to find a way to make that my default setting. That those skills sit on the surface and are not blocked out by the devil on my shoulder.

That’s the second time I have mentioned the devil on my shoulder. Whilst I believe in God I am not religious so this is not a link in that form - it is more of a tenuous link to the title of this blog and an intro to the song that it is named after. Sympathy for the Devil, is one of my favourite Rolling Stones songs that caused a fair amount of controversy when it came out in 1968. It is a song written from the Devil’s point of view regarding several atrocities committed by mankind throughout history. There were fears that the Rolling Stones were devil worshippers and that there would be a ripple affect going through their fans - all of which was unfounded and nothing happened. Having said that, I would like to point out that I am by no means a devil worshipper nor am I making light of any of the events that are referred to in the song. I have said throughout each of my blogs that I believe music to be a personal experience - one in which our own interpretations are drawn - and that the music and lyrics invokes feelings in each of us that are individualistic - what I feel is most definitely not what someone else would feel. So, this song choice is based on my interpretations - I hope no one is offended by it.

The way this one sits with me is pretty simple. I feel like, in my world, most of my interpretations and thoughts are from the devil’s point of view. To clarify - that doesn’t mean I am plotting bad things. It means that my devil is the one that sucks out all my confidence. All my belief. It takes away my achievements. Makes me feel like I have done nothing. Got nowhere. That I do not belong. Or fit in. It sits in my head reminding me of my frailties. My weaknesses. My lack of abilities. Creating confusion and doubt. Your own brain shouldn’t do that. But it does. It sits there saying:

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

Mastering it is tough. It is the road I am on. The challenge I am facing. A long and arduous journey. Where it is easier to ensure other people are okay first than deal with myself. But I am dealing with it and I will continue to gain victories and move forward. What is also important to reflect on is the successes I have had. Not only because of the achievements themselves but how hard I had to work to get there. I am the biggest challenge to myself. I have been surrounded by good leaders and colleagues. Teams of people who are skilled. Yet I am the biggest challenge. My self doubt is what created the most significant hurdle. So I had to work even harder to get there. Most people start at step zero. Some start at step three or four such is there confidence. Others, like me, start at step minus 5. And every step forward is then questioned by our devil. Are you sure you think you are there? Do you really deserve to be there? Don’t you think you are further back? Every step forward is greeted with that. Yet we still strive to move forward. At least I know I do. So when I have made progress I have really earnt it. Even the basic tasks which people might think are a walk in the park - take a lot of internal convincing. It is just the way it is. It is what the brain does. Well, it is what my brain does. And this song - almost gives me an explanation as to what is happening inside my head. “Pleased to meet you; Hope you guess my name” Yes. I know who you are. You are me. Trying to stop me moving forward. Trying to stop me from succeeding. Believing in myself. Well guess what. I am onto you like never before. I know who you are and what you’re game is. And whilst you may be more powerful than me at times, I am coming to get you and I will beat you and I will win. Facts.

Thanks for reading.

Love

JT

xxx