Turning Green

Recently, around June time, I became aware of a singer, Courtney Barnett, with whose music I have become totally obsessed. Her latest album (Things Take Time, Take Time) is one I listen to multiple times a day and I am working through her back catalogue quicker than anything else I have gone through before. This is the second blog in a row which is named after one of her songs. I even plucked up the courage to go and see her live. Her music just works for me on multiple emotional levels. I find her voice incredible - but it is more her style of singing that takes it onto another level - it really talks to me. She is also an amazing guitar player and clearly a very talented writer.

I have thought long and hard about what it is exactly that clicks for me. The previous blog was called Anonymous Club - which is a track off a previous album and spoke to me about feeling separate from the world - apart from moments of impeccable clarity with people close to me. One of her others songs Avant Gardener - again from another album - brings up challenging feelings about self perception and focus - but the entire track list on Things Take Time Take Time really does something to me.

I looked into why this might be. I know the album was written during lockdown when Courtney (I sound like a right fan boy) was living in Melbourne where restrictions were really severe. I believe she was living alone and wrote the whole album in that situation whilst writing all the music and laying it out on her guitar. We all went through various states of lockdown and I know then when I went through mine I certainly didn’t have the presence of mind to be that creative or functional. I think I avoided looking within at my thoughts and feelings during that time as I was scared at what I would have found. So to produce something like that blows my mind. Then I look at the songs individually and they all mean something to me - they all evoke multiple feelings. It really is a piece of work that makes me think and challenges me to confront feelings I wanted to avoid.

Which brings me nicely onto Turning Green. According to what I have read, Turning Green is about going through a transformation and coming out of the other side. Metaphorically this can apply to anything in your life or the situations you are finding yourself in. Recognising that this is a journey and that there will be positives that you must remember and must experience as you progress. That challenging yourself and your feelings is a must. Otherwise where is the way forward. How will you overcome them.

It is that - right there - that smacks me right between the eyes. It is like she has ripped me open and looked inside me and seen the fear. The doubt. The self-loathing. The distress. Then told me that I need to keep fighting. That I need to keep moving forward. That I shouldn’t hide away. I shouldn’t be ashamed. I should embrace the vulnerability and feelings and press on - that I need to brave. It is also telling me to recognise the steps forward and to bookmark them in my head - so I almost have permanent reminders of where I have come from - and the progress I have made to help me get to where I am going. There are a couple of lines in particular that stand out for me here:

The trees are turning green
In this springtime, lethargy
Is kind of forcing you to see
Flowers in the weeds

To me, that is a huge reminder that I have to be kinder to myself on this journey. That a step back is still part of moving forward. I go through cycles all the time. I think the current mindset I have is one of the longest dark periods for a long, long time. The value I see in myself has dropped enormously. My confidence is shot. It is hard for me to go into a shop and buy a coffee. Getting out of bed is a challenge. Putting a brave face on for my kids (which I manage to do) is draining. I feel pretty worthless. And certainly skill-less. I have been trying to pull myself out of this funk for a while but every time I take a small step forward I let something pull me back. It is time to reset. Rework my objectives. Rethink my daily routines. Regroup. And go again.

I also need to remember the small achievements in this difficult period. I have provided for my kids. I have given them some great memories and experiences. I am so fiercely proud of them. I am scared to death that my daughter will become too much like me. I have started to go to football again with my dad - for myself. I have so far kept my job. So there have been some flowers in the weeds. I even went to a concert. That is a huge thing for me. I don’t mind going to any sport alone. I am comfortable. But I felt so exposed at a concert. I thought I would stand out so badly. What do I do there alone. How do I act. This is especially difficult for me because music has a deep emotional impact on me. Plus I was seeing someone who’s music toys with my emotions. But fuck it - I went.

I was there to see her warm up and she sang three songs to about 20 of us. And yeah. I cried. Because they were 3 of my favourites that just talk to me on so many levels. So I stood there trying to hide the fact that I was crying. Then later in the evening as the concert progressed, I got closer and closer to the stage and ended up singing along with everyone and having a great time - and no one seemed to think I was bonkers or out of place - so as an experience it was really interesting. I have been thinking about it ever since.

What the concert made me feel - was that I should not feel ashamed for how I feel. Or for the journey I am going on. That I should be proud of myself for what I am doing and where I am trying to take myself. That I need to stop punishing myself so badly when my progress is slow. Any progress is progress. It is all helping. It is important to reflect. It is important to see where I am. I recognise I am not in a good place mentally. That my brain is in charge and is pushing those negative tracks on me - because that is what is most familiar. But I also recognise that I am progressing. I know I will have set backs. I should be less scared to be vulnerable or open to my frailties. Seeing them means I can figure out how to combat them. This all brings fears. Some days I am ready to take them on. Some days I am not. I need to learn to let them go. Ultimately what is the point in keeping hold of them. What good are they going to do me? Thoughts I have been having for a long, long time. And then all of a sudden along comes a supremely talented artist that I came across completely by chance and put it all into words. Because look. Look at the final lyrics from this song. And tell me I am not right.

I hear all your fears
And they are understandable, my friend
Why don't you let go of those ideas?
They're never gonna serve you in the end

Why don’t you let go of those ideas. They are never gonna serve you in the end. I genuinely think this might be my next tattoo.

The moral here. Keep going. Recognise the flowers in the weeds. Let go of the fears. Confront your feelings. Your challenges. And once more. Keep going.

Thanks for reading. And thanks to CB for some amazing music and experiences. Also for those who prefer to listen than read - I have recorded an audio version below.

Love

JT

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