Anonymous Club
It has been a while since I have written. This piece has been sat in my drafts for a number or weeks - a work in progress ready to pick up when it felt right. It hasn’t felt right for a long time. It has been a period of a sustained lull where I have found it hard to engage in pretty much anything - including writing.
In fairness - not a great deal has changed on that front - I am still in a low period and am working hard to not slip lower but I am fighting a bit of a tide at the moment. I will prevail - and I will continue my journey forwards it just feels a lot harder at the moment. We all have good times and bad times - this is just me acknowledging that life at the moment is a struggle. It is hard to pin point exactly why that is - there are numerous contributory factors for sure - but the biggest challenge I am facing is with myself. Of that I am certain - which is why this journey must continue. It is why I must keep fighting - and why I have to push myself to go through the process I have been practising when times are tougher. Writing is one of those processes that have helped me so I am pushing myself to produce something at one of the most difficult stages.
As ever, music has been something that has been with me in this period. I have alluded in previous posts that I get stuck / obsessed with songs and artists sometimes and listen to them on a constant loop. It most definitely limits what I listen to - I am absolutely not a music encyclopaedia - I would be useless in a music quiz - but when I hit on something I like - I tend to go deep and I listen continuously. This can be for a number of reasons - but the most common (for me) is when I connect with a song emotionally. That is 100% the case with the song that lends its name to the title of this particular blog - Anonymous Club - by Courtney Barnett. I only discovered Courtney Barnett about 8 weeks ago and I am blown away by her. Her latest album, Things Take Time Take Time is rapidly moving up my all time Top 20 and her back catalogue is stunning. If you haven’t come across her yet I would recommend looking her up - she is an incredible talent and her singing / writing style is something else. I have about 7 of her songs on a constant loop at the moment and I think they are all amazing. And then there is Anonymous Club. This, for me, is one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard. I find it incredibly moving and it takes me on a journey of emotions.
I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it - I just find it incredibly touching. I connect with it on an emotional level - and through my individual interpretations of the mood of the song and obviously the lyrics themselves. I will try and explain how I connect with Anonymous Club. I must stress - this is my interpretation!
I have mentioned before that I struggle to see myself - either for what I am or what I have done. I find it hard to define myself or know what I am. I feel that I spend about 95% of my life looking down on myself - judging myself from over my shoulder - analysing how I am doing in every scenario. The judging is never positive and the feeling of viewing yourself is not a comfortable one - because it means you don’t really live the experience - or actually be in that moment. It is like your body is physically there but your soul has exited and is elsewhere watching and judging. That is my life - 95% of the time. Battling against that. Buying a train ticket is, in theory, an easy process - but I watch myself when I do that. I watch myself when I am buying a coffee. I watch myself when I am talking to my kids. I watch myself when I am in a meeting at work. And I judge. Myself. Constant judgement on myself. Relentless. The results are far reaching,. Every encounter is lived twice - or even three times. But it is never truly experienced. The fear / insecurities / doubts stop it being experienced at the time, the feeling of watching yourself go through it stops you understanding the experience and then the inevitable post mortem afterwards takes any positives away from the experiences. It also leads to a very lonely place - and makes you feel anonymous. So the idea of an anonymous club appeals to me enormously.
Loneliness and feeling anonymous are interesting elements to encounter - and deal with. I work with great people. I have excellent friends and people around me. But I do feel lonely - and I do feel anonymous - like I leave no footprint behind. Like I am passing through. Now, clearly we are all passing through - but I mean I feel like a visitor - watching a life (mine) interact in real life. This is down to my mind - it is something that I create myself - it is nothing to do with any of the people I am around. I could be around anyone and I feel like that. I feel confused / unsure / out of place in pretty much every scenario I find myself in. I feel like I am judged or seen by people as different or not part of the group - whatever the group is. When I say I am judged - I know that is me doing the judging and coming to those conclusions - people aren’t actually doing that. I feel like a skirt along the fringes of everything - watching myself fail to connect and fail to make an impression. All because my brain is running the negative patterns it is used to - and I haven’t got it under control yet. My journey is all about getting my brain under control so it is important that I am aware of where I am - which is a positive at least. But I do have a long way to go. It is not pleasant feeling like that - constantly watching and analysing yourself and not feeling part of anything - always holding yourself back. It is incredibly challenging and I appreciate it makes me difficult to be around and someone that people don’t want to spend time with. That is down to me - not to anyone else - and it is a symptom of going through life without existing.
I do believe that I am in an Anonymous Club. I mentioned that 95% of the time I feel and live the above. That means there is 5% left where I believe I am being me - and I am actually living. Most of that time is with my kids - who just inspire me to be me because of the innocence of kids and their desire to do as much as they can - it is so healthy to have kids - for me anyway. But there are other times. Thanks to other people. With that select group - I feel that I am me. The irony is that I only got to have that with those people - because I opened up and let myself go - and let myself live the conversations or experiences with them. Maybe they were in the same position I was. Maybe they were seeking an Anonymous Club to be part of. Maybe that is where the connections are made. It is possible that we all need to be part of Anonymous Clubs with those closest to us - to ensure we can have the release that we need.
“Let's start an anonymous club
We can sit close in the dark
Come round to mine
We can swap clothes and drink wine all night
Turn your phone off, friend
You're amongst friends
And we don't need no interruptions
Leave your shoes at the door
Along with your troubles
Your troubles, your troubles, your troubles
Thank you for cooking for me
I had a really nice evening
Just you and me”
I cannot put anything as beautifully or with as much meaning as Courtney does in this song - but at least I have expressed where I am - and what I am combatting in this period of time. Every step on this journey is positive. I am grateful for every experience. I am confident I will prevail. I am clear that this is a tricky time - and that is okay. I need to get back to the exercises I have been doing to pick me up and get me through - and publishing this today is a start.
Thanks for reading.
Onwards.
JT
xxxxx