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“Fearless on my breath”. 4 simple words. Repeated multiple times in an iconic and simply beautiful track by Massive Attack back in 1998. For me an incredibly touching and thoughtful song with beautiful lyrics, a stunning delivery of those lyrics and an incredible video. I take so much from this. I feel so much with this song. I haven’t listened to it for about 5 years because it plays with my emotions too much. But it is all I can listen to right now. Repeat, repeat,. repeat. “Fearless on my breath”. “Fearless”. That word. “Fearless”. 8 letters. A simple word. But so powerful. Inspirational almost. Something that in the right manner would change so much. 100% for myself if I could act without fear a lot of the time I know I would be so much further ahead in many aspects of life.

I am writing this - specifically for my beautiful daughter - who one day, I hope, will read my posts. And learn that her dad went through some of the struggles that she is feeling right now. Some of the challenges that life brings. The mental anguish that most of us feel. Are we liked? Do we fit in? Does that person talk about me behind my back? Am I different? Why am I different? Why do I feel like I am an outsider? Stuff I have felt all of my life. No matter what the environment I have felt different. Outside of it. Not part of it. Stuff she is going through now. Constantly feeling like crap because a friend won’t speak to her. Told to go away. Friends of hers being told not to be friends with her. Blah Blah. All typical high school shit. Stuff that will sort itself out. No drama. But I see her. I look at her. And I see me. She is me. Emotionally she is me. She is a worrier. She has so much empathy it is both beautiful and painful. She cares so much. I am so proud of her and who she is. She is a fighter. She is a champion. She is beautiful. But I see what will happen. She will be taken advantage of. She is being taken advantage of. She is being used. She is being made to feel bad. Again. All part of big school. It is what friends are like. This could carry on. Unless I can teach her to become fearless. To be true to herself no matter what. To have the bravery to back herself. I need to instil that in her.

Over the last few years, I have taught myself to be fearless. To take it on. No matter what you feel. No matter how scared you are. How outside you feel. How inadequate you feel. Do it. Don’t hold back. Have no fear. Be you. Do not change to try and fit in. I still feel those things about myself but I press on regardless - even in situations where I am deeply uncomfortable.

But how to teach that. Tough. Especially when it is something you haven’t had in yourself for most of your life. But we try.

Fear has played a huge part in my life. I am sure it does for a lot of people. Fear of failure and of not being good enough were my two main challenges. They were in place from my childhood. Fear of being myself and expressing myself then developed. Followed be fear of showing emotions and being empathetic or caring. It is strange what impacts us and forms us. The environments we exist in as kids shapes us - yet a lot of them are so stressful and damaging. School and the way we are educated being a significant factor. Human brains learn in so many different ways yet if you don’t learn the way you are told to learn then you are branded anything from a dumb arse to a trouble maker. Just because that way of learning doesn’t work for you? Or maybe you need some help. Ask for it and you are ridiculed by your peers. So you don’t - because it is easier. And there is less fear in not doing something than there is in pressing ahead and doing it.

You have to be so mentally strong to get through school without any major scrapes and no one prepares our kids for it. As you get older and move through the education system you learn to adapt and live with those fears. You know what situations to avoid and how to get by. But why the fuck should you. Why should you adapt who you are and what you believe in. I spent SO many years evolving. Not being myself. Changing what I liked just to be part of the group. All the way through my life - until maybe 5 years ago when I said fuck it. I am going to be me. If people don’t like me - no problem. That’s another challenge from school. The importance placed on being liked. To be popular. To have as many friends as possible. And then you add in social media. It can all suck you in. Make you feel unstable. Insecure. And when you’re young - it can make you feel like you need to adapt to be accepted. It is such a hard set of emotions and circumstances to deal with at that age. There is also the danger that they way you are made to feel then gets taken into adult life - it has become a belief by that stage and working your way out of that can be really tough.

If I look at my own personal experiences, I have pretty much always felt like an outsider - like someone existing on the periphery of everything and not ever becoming a full part of something. This is across all situations. From board rooms through to small gatherings of friends. So many times, I have played a role just get through. It is the safest way. It is the way we get through that means we do not have to confront our fears. But it is a sticking plaster solution. It is temporary. Yes, it works in the interim but it doesn’t do what we really need - which is to change our approach - or our thought process. It doesn’t help us to become fearless.

Embracing who you are, what your values are and what you bring to any situation is so hard sometimes - yet it is so key. I want to be that person. I am that person now - more than I have ever been. I want to feel “Fearless on my breath” in everything I do. I have come on so much. Developed so much. It has taken a lot of help and there is plenty of work to do but I believe I am more myself and more often than I have ever been. I want it to become my natural state - that is my aim - that is what I am working to. I want to help my daughter and others navigate these challenges and achieve some level of fearlessness.

The key to me moving forward was recognising the times I was present - but not as myself. When I was playing a role. When I wasn’t representing myself and my beliefs. Knowing that I was doing this and realising it isn’t healthy was a key factor in driving change. Even amongst some friends I would play a role because that is how they viewed me so I better play up to it in case they don’t like the real me. The amount of times I questioned the real me is astonishing. Am I worth knowing? I better act in this way so I am accepted. Instead of just being me. It had to change - and it has. I go through internal processes to ensure I am authentic. Is this what I truly believe? Is this what I would do? Am I happy with what’s happening or what is being said? Real basic mechanisms like that to keep me in check.

On top of that - realising that you are not everyone’s cup of tea also helps. What helps even more is not really caring about that. Now, that is less easy - we all want to be liked (well most of us do and we sure like to be liked) but not everyone is going to. Understanding that you don’t need hundreds of friends, to be connected to thousands of people is a real moment of clarity. You want your friends to be made up of people who like you for the real you. You want the people you work with to know the real you. You need to be the real you.

Practical efforts I have made include setting boundaries. I spent a lot of my life treading on egg shells around people when I have been made to feel certain negative emotions. I would be the one trying to make up with someone even if my feelings were hurt. Enough. I am not letting that happen to me anymore. Boundaries have really helped me. I am an empathetic soul and I have given way too much of that away at times. It leaves you open - and it needs to be tempered somewhat. As I get older I am finally realising this. My boundaries help me with that.

What I want my daughter to know most is that whilst there are always challenges in life in terms of people and our feelings - that if you are true to yourself - your real authentic self , then ultimately you will pull through. Do not compromise yourself or your feelings just to try and fit in. Stand up for what you believe in and for yourself. Don’t let the world around you break you down and change you. Keep being caring. Keeping being empathetic. Keep having feelings. But never ever don’t be you. It took me decades to start to get a grip on this - so if you can learn it before me - then we are making lots of progress. Be proud of who you are. Because I am proud of you. And I am proud of me too.

Thanks for reading.

Lots of Love

JT xxxxx