Pure Morning
During one of the virtual coffee sessions I held with someone recently, they asked me if I could describe in more detail some of the challenges that confront me from time to time. When I feel them, my standard reaction has been to disappear within myself and try and get by as best I can. However, through the work I have been doing with my coaches - and also the considerable efforts I am putting into changing my beliefs, I am able to deal with them slightly different - as I continue to challenge myself to evolve.
The best way to describe it, is that I frequently operate in a fog. Maybe 3-4 days a week my entire thought processes and being are shrouded in a fog. This fog is made up of multiple negative influences and behavioural patterns. It is the beliefs I hold deep that I am in the process of changing. It is one of the persona’s that I have that means I don’t live independently of over thinking. There is no clarity. There is no rest. These negative beliefs are varied. Anything from imposter syndrome and crippling self doubt through to shame about how I look. Each one exhausting. Each one bringing their own fog. Add them together and the mind becomes incredibly clouded. Now, that doesn’t mean that I cannot function. It doesn’t mean that I am not successful that day. I have to be a success every waking day - as a parent and as an employee - there are no hiding places - so I have to succeed. It just means I have to work a lot harder that day to get to where I need to be. I have never been scared of effort or of challenges. I work extremely hard. I constantly seek to take on more. Believe it or not (and when you look at me most of you won’t), I have run 3 marathons. So a challenge - mental or physical is not something I shy away from. But those are challenges I set myself. That I want to go after. The challenges I face 3-4 days a week are not ones that I want to take on. They are there because of the patterns in my brain. My brain has let them develop - and gradually let them start to rule large parts of my life. That makes those days incredibly tough. To achieve the levels that I want to whilst carrying all that in my mind - it can be hard. Just imagine what I would be capable of if I could release that fog. If I believed that I did fit in. That I am capable. That I am valuable. That I am not grotesque. Imagine if I could start my day without anything like that shrouding my thoughts and judgements. So I could just focus on being me. The real me. Released and free from my self imposed fog. That’s my journey. That is my goal. I seek - what I call - a Pure Morning.
Pure Morning is probably my favourite Placebo song. It also has a pretty cool video. The song is basically about feeling dislocated from the rest of the world. Everyone else is getting on with their morning whilst you are struggling to get going and not feeling part of it. When my fog is at its thickest - that sums up how I feel. All my energies are going into firing myself and keeping myself going meaning I watch everything else around me on autopilot. I firmly believe that a lot of people know how this feels. We all have insecurities and challenges - they just manifest themselves in different ways. Some people over compensate with forced confidence - others retreat into themselves - and most sit somewhere along that line. None of these are wrong. There is no wrong way to feel. You feel how you feel and no one should tell you otherwise. However, I do challenge you to be honest with yourselves and see if it is helpful or healthy for you. We need to consider each other more than we do. In my last blog I talked about carrying out an act of kindness a day (outside of what you might do as standard) - I don’t know if anyone did that - but I certainly find that a very cathartic exercise. You never know what someone is going through - that is a fact. We don’t know what it takes for some people to function. We should have more awareness and more empathy sometimes. Everyone is on a journey and everyone deals with their challenges in different ways.
That is one of the reasons I love music so much. It is why I go down rabbit holes with certain songs or artists because I like to investigate the background to songs - but also look into the lyrics and how they can be interpreted. It is a very personal process - we would each take songs differently. Take this verse from Pure Morning as an example:
“A friend in need's a friend indeed
A friend who'll tease is better
Our thoughts compress which makes us blessed
And makes for stormy weather”
For me - I look at that as someone who needs a friend to understand their thoughts are over powering them and making their day difficult. That is how I feel it. And it is a feeling. It is one I can relate to.
For me, what is important, as I explained to the person I had a virtual coffee with, is an understanding of 3 key elements. I must stress that this works for ME - I am not trying to recommend anything here - I just know what is working for ME.
Gaining an understanding as to my challenges
Discovering a process that is going to help me move forward
Knowing what my goal is
I know, after quite some time, that my challenge is my pesky brain. It took me a long time to understand that. I went through various processes to get to that point. For a while I was certain I had major anxiety - but that was an incorrect diagnosis. And that’s okay! If you are on a journey like this it is important to understand that it can take a long time. That there will be mistakes. It isn’t easy to figure out what you’re dealing with. So be patient. And don’t give up.
Once I knew what my challenges were, I had to find the right help. I had already found the right coach - he helped me figure out my challenges - and consistently challenges me to keep pushing and moving in the right direction. I also needed another ingredient. I needed to understand why my brain acted the way it did. That is where my neuroscience course comes in. These both give me different learnings and test me various ways - but it is what my brain needs. I will probably need both of these for a long time to come - and that is also okay - it is maintenance for the mind. I am glad I found my path.
My goal is clear. I want to fulfil my potential. I want as many mornings as possible to be a Pure Morning. Once I operate outside of my fogs more frequently I know I can be more. That clarity will really allow me to push forward. It is well worth the fight.
These journeys are incredibly personal. There is no set way to complete them. Each and everyone of us has limitless potential. I am the only one that is stopping me fulfil mine. Plus I have managed to do a decent enough job of being me - even with my fog. What I would say - is that reaching out and talking helps. I know some of you will really understand and feel what I have written. That some of you won’t know how to start that conversation. All I can say is that if you find the power to do so - I am here for you. I am happy to connect. To listen. To chat. I can point you in the direction of an excellent coach and neuro science expert. If you need it - feel free to engage.
I hope you can find and experience your Pure Morning as much as possible.
Thanks for reading.
JT