La Femme d’Argent
After taking the plunge and releasing my website and first blog, I took some time to reflect on what that felt like. It was, as ever, a range of emotions - the vast majority of which were positive. It was heart warming to see how it was received and hopefully it starts to help people in the way that it is helping me.
As I look back on my experiences and learning path in the last few years, there is one song that has been with me the whole time (and for much longer). It is one of my favourite electronica tracks ever and I’ve loved it since its release in 1998. It’s another example of music having multiple affects on my mood and emotions. With this piece I find that it has the ability to be in tune with a whole range of emotions. It is uplifting; thought provoking; melancholic; still; sad; euphoric and addictive – how it is interpreted is really how my emotional filters translate it at the time. I have devoured it in the last couple of weeks, listened to it on repeat, ordered it on vinyl (again) and watched numerous videos. There is one in particular, live at the Sydney Opera House which I have consumed hundreds of times in the last fortnight. Over the last 2 weeks, me and La Femme d’Argent have been on a bit of a rollercoaster together.
I think the main reason that this is my current go to song, is that I am in a reflective and learning mood. I am beginning to learn more and more about my brain thanks to the neuroscience course I am currently undertaking and some of the homework is challenging me to take a step back and try and understand the patterns I’m running, where they kick in and how I could look at them differently. I’ve always been a deep thinker. That doesn’t mean I’m some sort of troubled genius or crazy smart person - on the contrary - but it means I analyse a lot. Analyse my thoughts, my reactions, my words and my behaviour. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it only becomes that if all the analysis is negative. Which, as you probably know by now, is where I sit. Or, more accurately, it is where I am more comfortable sitting, but is where I am slowly but surely moving away from. Brutal self analysis which undermines yourself and your confidence is incredibly unhelpful and unhealthy, and sadly it is something I became uber proficient at. The patterns my brain lets me run and the beliefs it has stored in there almost act as a deterrent to new feelings and emotions, and that needs to be mastered. It is something I am working hard on correcting, and I’m making some progress, but wow it is tough and the brain is one crazy ass piece of matter!
To try and put this into some form that is easier to imagine, do you ever find yourself almost living out of your body? Looking down on yourself watching and analysing your every move, response, thought and feeling? At the same time looking at others and thinking how much you would rather be them? If so, I am your leader. Trust me, no one does those things more than I do. I must have around 3 conversations going on in my head at any one time. Each defeating the other. Each taking up emotional energy and time. Each adding filters to my brain making my translations and interpretations even harder than normal. Then when external stresses come into play you get to the point where it is hard to cope. The brain wins. It has taken full control of the being. The constant sense is one of analysis and self sabotage through constant internal criticism. Your subconscious and conscious beings are at a point where they are stressed so they freeze you - to protect you - and they let you know through physical and mental manifestations. Now, fortunately, these episodes are few and far between for me and I understand how to take a step back, breathe and regain some form of control, but I know I am still too far down the spectrum. I know what I have to do. I know that I need to be the one controlling my brain and not the way it currently is.
I believe. Actually I know, that the reason I struggle the ways I do is down to the filters I have. The endless conversations going on in my head. Let me show you how my brain works in a real life scenario.
Some of you may know I have been volunteering at a foodbank for a few years. I mainly go there early on a Friday morning to ensure the donations are dropped off, but I also do little bits where I can, particularly around Christmas time. The idea of people (especially kids) going hungry is so depressing. No child should be hungry. There is enough money in the world today to meet basic needs for all. But it doesn’t happen. And it makes me very sad. So I thought I would start volunteering at the local food bank. I enjoy it, but it has me in emotional turmoil. The battle in my head rages fierce: “You know what you are doing is not enough”, “No one here is going to want you here”, “You should be ashamed of yourself for not doing more”, “They probably think you are going to eat all the food because you are fat”, “You won’t fit in”…
All of those thoughts race through my mind. Even before I walk through the door. Every week! Like who the fuck reacts like that?! These are super nice people who are grateful for any support that can be given, and no one has ever made me feel like that, yet my brain makes me live it anyway?!
Then there is the impact it has on me. Which is what? Well it means that my emotions are already raw because I have assumed and believed what I thought, so therefore I am sad, upset and ashamed. It then means that when I am made to feel welcome and wanted (as I am every time) and useful, that it almost makes me cry because of how that feels inside me. And it makes me feel tired, because I have effectively lived the experience twice, once in actual and once in my head. Any scenario I am in I live it twice, or 3, 4 or 5 times. Which makes anything incredibly exhausting.
My belief system has been broken and tainted somewhat. The negative experiences I had shaped me more than the positives. I let them do that, it sits with me, but at least I know I’m on the track to improvement and I know I am making progress. I know it’s going to take time, actually I’m pretty certain this is something I will have with me all my life, but instead of it being the size of the moon, I want to get it to be the size of an apple. That is my goal and slowly by slowly I am chipping away at it.
Expectations versus agreements is something that my coach tells me about all the time. It is something I have started to understand, but that in itself is a long journey. It is, however, a journey that I would implore anyone to embark upon. It sounds so basic yet it is so on the money that it is frightening. If I look at some of my major challenges, disappointments or areas of anguish, I think a common theme would be the expectations that I had out of a person or scenario versus what was actually agreed before hand. I also feel that I give a lot more than most people do and I expect people to give back the amount that I put in. That is not fair. On them. It is my choice to go the lengths that I do, not theirs, and if they don’t give me back what I put out there, they aren’t necessarily doing anything wrong. The challenge I have is that I’m setting weird expectations of situations in my head before I have even lived them.
I guess the point I would make is to give yourself a break. Having a clear mind, living with your gut reaction and ignoring the doubts of your own internal conversations is key. Master the expectations and agreements you have on yourself and then push them out to your wider groups. For me, that is the way forward.
The other point I would make (see there is a point to this), it is important to feel everything you feel. Realise it. Experience it. Then translate it and deal with it. Everyone is different. Most people wouldn’t walk into a food bank, help and then feel inadequate or worse than they did before they went in. I recognise that isn’t overly healthy, and that people are grateful for the help no matter how small I might think it is. But what I do is recognise how I feel. I do now at least. And instead of burying it, I confront it, try and work out why, see if it is rational, is it real or am I assuming it and then work out what to do with it. I am trying not to let challenging emotions control me and make me lose days on end to feelings such as worry, inadequacy, lack of confidence or rejection like I have done in the past and like I did last week.
It is a journey. But I feel better and that I am on the right track. And I don’t think I have ever felt that before.
Anyway, I think I will close there.
Take care of yourselves people.
Truest,
JT