GIMME SHELTER

For quite some time now I have been working with a coach. It is something I should have been doing a long, long time ago – a journey I should have started sooner – but it is one I am on now.

As part of the work, I am doing with them, for the last 18 months or so, I have been starting to write – just for myself – to try and help me understand some of the internal challenges I face daily – and as part of my next steps I have been encouraged to do this in the public domain.

There are several things I feel I should make clear before I go on with this. I am not looking for attention. This is not a cry for help. This is not an explanation. An excuse. Or a hiding place. It is also not a blame game. I take full responsibility for how I am – it is not down to anyone else in any way whatsoever. I think that is really a typical conclusion that people want to jump to, but in my case, I can tell you that is all about me – and my brain.

My blog is a way for me to open my mind and start to learn how to control it. I hope, but I don’t expect it, that this might even be a help to some people. That it might be a comfort and potentially become a place to share ideas, celebrate breakthroughs and bring some positivity. It is not meant to be a dark, down place. On the contrary, for myself, it is progress. A way to champion some self-discovery even when the brain tries to sabotage it all.

So, with that pointed out – let’s crack on shall we. What is this all about.

The truth is that I find a lot of aspects of life challenging. This doesn’t mean I am going through anything bad – I am not. I am blessed to have good people around me, and I am truly thankful for that. The challenges do not come from other people. They come from myself. There is no such thing as a simple thought process for me. No clarity. No respite. No confidence in my thinking. The more time I have, to contemplate something – the more chance my brain has to fuck it all up. I may give the impression of someone who can be calm and decisive – and in certain scenarios – I am. In fact – the more complex the scenario – the greater the stakes – the more controlled I am. Put me in a room full of people to pitch to them and convince them to work with me and I will be all over it. Get me to go into an office where I have worked for the best part of 20 years and quite often, I will freeze. Just won’t make it. Put me on a call with a bunch of high-level execs that I don’t know – and often I will lead it and smash it. Put me on a call with 5 other people I have known for donkeys’ years – and again, Freeze. The dark thoughts win.

Those dark thoughts are pretty much a daily occurrence. I use the term dark thoughts – I don’t mean anything dramatic– I just mean the clouds that come in and take the clarity of being me away. I have around 3 internal conversations going on - permanently. Sometimes by the time I get to work – I am exhausted because I have already done a day’s work in my head. It really pisses me off. They range from the “you’re not capable of doing this; everyone just thinks you’re talking crap” through to “you’re going to get found out one day or why can you not just be a normal person”. At times, I feel like I am not actually in my body – but I am floating above it – watching my every interaction, movement and action. Actually – not watching it. Critiquing it. Negatively. Always negatively. “What the hell did you say that for; You look stupid; Did you see how far out of your depth you were there” The positive balance just doesn’t exist.

I think I have always had a negative view of myself. In most situations I feel like I have nothing of substance to offer. Just an idiot in a room put there to try and make people laugh. My self-analysis is brutal. I once made a practitioner of CBT cry because the views I hold of myself are so destructive. Actually – I should say – the views I held at the time – some progress has been made – but again this is a journey and there is a long way to go. But the low start point is very low. On both the mental and physical side. Mentally – when I am in flight mode, I feel I need to be a 15 out of 10 – just to be the equivalent of 7 out of ten for everyone else.

What does this mean? It means that I feel I must over deliver. Do much more than most other people just to get by in a situation. That in itself is exhausting. Physically. Well, that is a whole other ball game. Let’s just say I don’t look in mirrors. I haven’t for years. I dip out of as many photos of myself as I can. I am thoroughly ashamed of how I look, and I try to hide away as much as I can – not just for me but for the benefit of everyone else who might see me. So, it is a pretty low bar.

I don’t think that some of my characteristics help here. I am an empathetic person. In fact, I am overloaded with empathy. I struggle with it sometimes. Especially with the way the world can be now – I find many things very tough to swallow. I am certainly emotive. I feel. A significant amount. I think the generation I was born into saw emotions as a bad thing. It can certainly be used against you – and I have felt that many times. I am an over thinker. An analyser. At times a catastrophiser. When someone says something positive to me, I often feel physical symptoms – like a flash going through the centre of my body that makes me recoil. Ask anyone who has managed me in my career. I am very hard to talk to about positives. Again. Exhausting.

One subject I really connect with is music. I am most certainly not a music boffin. I barely know anything. I am stuck in certain eras and genres. I don’t even have that wide a range. But I connect with it deeply in certain areas and my writing will be linked to a song that means something to me for multiple reasons.

This one is Gimme Shelter – which in my humble opinion is the greatest rock and roll song ever written. I am a big fan of the Rolling Stones – and Gimme Shelter is by far and away my most listened to song. It hits me very deeply – right in my core. I resonate so closely to it that the opening lines are tattooed onto my arm. The background to the song is also similarly dark to the lyrics. It was written on dark, stormy day by Keith Richards when he was coming off a very hard night on the drugs. The lady with the amazing voice, Merry Clayton, tragically suffered a miscarriage when recording because she put so much effort into it (you can actually hear her voice break on the song) and wouldn’t listen to it for years. So, the background is pretty dark. But the lyrics just get me. I relate to them, because that Is how my head feels when the fog comes in. It is almost like it is written for me.

Oh a storm is threatening

My very life today

If I don’t get some shelter

Oh yeah, I’m gonna fade away

For me – that couldn’t describe my brain any better. And that brings me onto the key point here. My brain. My brain is the problem. It is the one that has allowed negative beliefs to exist for so long. It is the one that stores and performs negative habits. It is my brain that creates the fog. Back to my earlier point. This is ME. MY BRAIN. That is what causes my challenges. It is no one else.

When I realised that – and believe me that took a long time – it felt like a major breakthrough. Like I had achieved a diagnosis. Because it meant I could move forward. It means I could start a journey. For a long time, I had stood still. Looking for the answers. Looking for help. For years – just cracking on thinking this is normal – this is what it is like for everyone. Then realising it isn’t. Going to the doctors to ask for assistance. Their answer was to offer me drugs. Every single time. Take some pills. They will help. No thanks – not for me. That doesn’t mean that pills don’t work – they do – but they hadn’t even diagnosed me. I am not being stuck on a set of pills because I might fit into one of their potential 3 ideas of a diagnosis. No. Not comfortable with that. I would happily take drugs with a clear diagnosis – as I see no problem with that at all – but I do see a problem when a diagnosis isn’t reached. And herein lies one of the problems in the modern world. Mental Health is still a poor relation when it comes to overall health. Physical health has experts in every field – which is truly fantastic. Mental Health is so far behind. Too many assumptions are made – too many square pegs put in round holes. I wasn’t prepared to be one of them. So, I carried on fighting and trying to help myself. And I continued to fail to improve for a long time. And that is okay. Because I believe that I have now found the right path.

I have been working with the same coach for the best part of 2 years new. I have found someone who listens well enough to understand. We talk work. We talk life. He challenges me. Tests me. Gives me homework. Books to read. But also encourages me. He has made me realise that there is no such thing as failing on a journey like this – only learnings. Now that sounds like bullshit. But it really is not. Many times, I tried to do something to make a change – and it wasn’t working so I just gave up. Not because I am a quitter, but because I wasn’t seeing a benefit. Instead of trying to tweak it or do something differently I would just stop. That hasn’t happened for the last 2 years. This is like not falling off the wagon for an alcoholic. It is huge progress for me. My name is James, and I haven’t gone backwards for the last two years.

I have also started a neuroscience course. I am relatively fresh into this – and I certainly went into it completely unaware. Wow. This stuff is mad. Like really, really – smash you in the face crazy interesting. How that piece of fat, muscle and water can have such a bearing on your life is epic. The way it works and can control your everything is just stunning. A huge eye opener for me. I am fascinated by this – and one of the best analogies that has come out of this so far is that to see my natural thoughts, the fire that I have, the me that I know I am at the bottom of a ruck sack with layer upon layer of stones and rocks on top of it. Stopping me from existing. There’s me right at the bottom. But my thoughts. Habits. Beliefs. All of them shitty. Sitting right on top. Stopping any of it coming out. Well fuck that. It is time to stop carrying all that around and unpack that rucksack so the me sits right at the top.

That right there is the journey I am on. The journey I have been on for a long time. That is going to create a much healthier me. For me, myself and I. It has taken ages to find the right program for me – but I have it now. It is taken 2 people to keep me on track. Through affective coaching / prompting and teaching. I am very grateful for that. I am lucky that I have found the way forward. It feels good. I don’t know how long it will take. It might take forever. But I do not care. It is the right path.

I am not here to preach. Or pass on any advice. But I would like to say one thing. Never give up. Don’t stop looking around for the path that works for you. Talk to people around you. Share your feelings. Think about how you feel. Feelings are so important.

I hope, if anyone has read this, that it has been a good introduction into what I want to achieve here. I wanted to set the scene. Open up. Show that being vulnerable is not a negative. I also wanted to show what I am doing to move forward. I wanted to release. Hopefully it encourages others to do the same. This is a safe place. If you want to reach out or engage, please feel free to do so – but please remember this is a positive domain.

I also want to say thanks. To any of you that know me. Through work or through life. Or both. Thanks for getting to know me. Thanks for bearing with me. You might not have been aware of all the craziness that was going through my head just to make me function – and that makes me even more grateful.

I look forward to sharing more.

Truest,

JT