Dancing In The Dark

It is Father’s Day - and today more than ever makes me reflect on what I am like as a person. I am super lucky being a dad. Not everyone gets to experience the joy of having kids. Not everyone gets to be around them as much as they want. So I know just how fortunate I am. I also still have my own dad around - which again makes me very grateful. I feel for those that don’t have either of those - and I hope I don’t take anything for granted.

Like anything I do, I have ups and downs being a parent. I am sure we all do. I wonder if I do enough for them. Am I good role model. Do I make them happy. Safe. Loved.

The doubts I have in my life don’t disappear when it comes to parenting. There is no place in my life where I am certain. It is just the area where I am most determined to succeed. My kids mean the world to me and I want them to be as happy as they possibly can be. For them to be that, I am fully aware that I need to master myself and the challenges I have - which again is what I am working to.

At the moment, I feel like I am further away from my goals. Further than I have been for a while. Whilst that is not great to admit, it is still progress. The fact I am on a journey in the first place is overwhelmingly positive and I know there will be good times and bad times. When I am like this, I find it hard to be myself. I am overcome by negative thoughts and it is hard to push the fog away and see any light. I feel vulnerable and lonely. I don’t feel strong. And that makes me feel like I am letting my kids down - because they need a strong dad who can provide the reassurance that a child needs. I don’t let them see when I am struggling. Not many people would know. But when I am like this and think about my kids it hurts even more as it worries me that I won’t succeed in my role as a dad for them.

Now, to put this into context - I know I will get there. I have taken some very big strides so this is a tiny temporary blip. I am doubling up my exercises to drive positivity into my mind and talking to people close to me which is helping. But at the same time I think it is only fair to mention when life is harder sometimes. It is real. It is honest. It isn’t negative. It isn’t insecurities. It most certainly is not a cry for help. It is simply a reflection of a work in progress - which will have ups and downs.

Accepting that this journey is a roller coaster is probably one of the first lessons I would encourage anyone to learn. There is no quick fix. It won’t always be easy. But it will always be worthwhile.

When I am like this, I am constantly nervous. I feel awkward in every scenario. I feel out of place. Incapable. Like I am being judged constantly. I feel emotional. It makes it hard to function. Now, a few years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to function at all. Thanks to the exercises I have been taught (affirmations, relaxation methods, how to switch off in a way that suits me and talking to the right people), I am able to function pretty well. It takes a lot of effort and it is tiring, but at least I can make it work. This is way better than it used to be. It is almost like putting coal into a steam engine to power it up. Some days it takes more coal than others. This is where every thought is amplified and analysed. Mainly negatively. The dissection of every comment deepens. I put my thoughts onto others and assume they are thinking things about me (bad things) when actually that is just my interpretation and me transmitting my feelings onto them. The only person changing in these scenarios is me. It is my brain running wild. Well, it is my brain preventing anything positive happening. It is the brain reverting to the negative behaviours and and patterns that it has created over the years. It shows how powerful the brain is - and how easy it is to fall into a negative place. To lose control of the brain. It shows how important looking after your mental health is. It is so easy for it to slip. It is almost like fitness. Very hard to gain but super easy to lose. That is how we need to look at mental health. That it is something that needs constant work as opposed to a cursory check in every now and then.

When I am feeling like this, one of the songs I listen to for a little bit of empathy and inspiration, is Dancing In The Dark by Bruce Springsteen.

My interpretation of this song is this is someone who is struggling with self belief and / or confidence. I emphasise that this is my interpretation - how I feel this song anyway. There are a number of the words that I can relate to in particular:

I get up in the evening
And I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man, I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face

You sit around getting older
There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
Come on, baby, the laugh's on me

These are all things that I feel from time to time - and particularly at moments where the bad side of the brain is winning. I 100% feel like that when my doubts are high and confidence is lacking. But it also makes me reflect. Reflect on what is important. Which again brings me back to my kids.

I want my kids to know that it is ok to not be ok. I want them to know they have the right to feel down. That it is absolutely okay to share. To show vulnerability. That it is actually powerful to show that. Not hide it away. I want them to know they should reach out whenever they need to. To whoever they trust. One day I would love them to read these blogs. Hopefully it would encourage them to see it is okay to outline how you feel - even when you are not feeling great. I hope it is a good example for them. I firmly believe that we need to show younger and future generations that looking after their mental health is as important as their physical health. There are too many pressures on children. They feel pressure way too young. School can be a very trying place. The way they are educated is questionable. Emotions and feelings appear and they just have to deal with it. They are incredibly resilient and adaptable - but it is still harder than it needs to be. In my opinion, we need to look after their heads as much as we can. The earlier the better.

Which brings me full circle. I need to continue to look after mine to be the best version of me that I can. Primarily for myself - but also for my kids. I owe it to them. I honestly used to hold such a low opinion of myself that I thought success would be me getting my kids to the age of 15 upwards and then me dying. I used to think that would be okay as they would be kind of set up to get through life okay. That was the value I placed on myself. That is what I thought I had to offer. Just that. I know that is not the case. I know I am more than that. It took a lot of work to get there but I know it. Which is a huge success. It also makes me more determined to keep moving forward - so that I am more and more balanced. That the positive elements of my brain take charge of the negatives. I know I will get there. But I know it will take some time. But what a fight worth winning!

Anyway - it feels good getting that off my chest. Again - for me this is positive. It helps.

Thanks for reading and supporting.

Love

JT xxx

PS - Love for these two gorgeous people will never end. Proud and honoured. xxxxxxxxx