Hand In My Pocket

As I write this - we are about to enter the month of May. May is a month where the focus is placed on Mental Health more so than other months. For example, in the UK we have Mental Health Awareness week from 9th-15th and in the US the whole month is dedicated to Mental Health. It is good that additional attention is brought to such an important subject but it shouldn’t paper over the cracks that exist every day. More people might reach out to friends and colleagues because of it, but we need to drive change on a large scale to ensure this happens more regularly. People around you right now - need your help. They need some support. An ear. Someone to acknowledge them and let them know it is okay to not be okay. Let’s not lose sight that we need to do that every day. Because people’s struggles are often hidden - and they just will not open up. So - be that person who asks. It is important.

Whilst this is not always a blog about mental health - it is a view on the journey I am on - taking on the pesky blockers I have in my brain which have held me back throughout my life. Writing continues to be a help to me - I feel like I am lifting something that sits on my brain and putting it somewhere - and that eases the burden. However, given that we move into Mental Health Week / Month I figured I would open up a little and share one of the challenges I have. I find that issues related to Mental Health are often pigeon holed into depression or anxiety. I feel we are making progress with this - but it is still easy to put people into a bucket. For me, I don’t think I fit either of them. Which is why finding the remedy that works for me took a long time - I needed to explore what worked for me and then fine tune it. But first, I needed to figure out what the hell was going on.

One major challenge I have faced over the years - and probably the one that hurts me the most is how I view myself - and the assumptions that I make about how others view me. By view me - I mean both physically and of me as a person. It is something I know I have felt since I was at school - probably from about the age of 12. I always had to seek out something to define me - or even justify me. At school it was football. At university it was genuinely nothing until I moved to France when it was a combination of football and drinking. As a holiday rep it was music and being funny (and drinking) and then throughout my career. Well I don’t know. Probably being funny. Although that is my interpretation - I amuse myself - less so others. I cannot think of anything else that justifies my existence and I don’t have the confidence to just be me - to know that my presence and my abilities are enough - I have to seek out a reason to exist - something to define me. And that, I can tell you, is fucking exhausting. When you’re like that - you are never you. You are morphing all the time - just desperate to fit in - and your brain. Well your brain is savage. Relentless. It just won’t give in. It is running the negative patterns that have developed over the years and it is running them hard. Even with all the work I have been doing on myself and the progress I have made those patterns are still very much there.

One example that happened just a couple of weeks ago still stings. I am speaking at an event in Sydney next week with 2 of my new colleagues and some promotion went out via LinkedIn - making the announcement that" “our Commercial Director James Taylor” will be speaking. Most people would probably be proud of that. I had to share it but I didn’t feel pride. In fact I felt shame. Of myself. In my eyes I don’t look like a Commercial Director. I don’t know what I look like but I sure as hell don’t think I look like a Commercial Director. I actually drafted a post apologising “I am sorry I don’t look like a Commercial Director but if you come talk to me I might sound like one” but after a long time I deleted it. I am extremely conscious of how I look. I try to hide myself away as much as I can. I am terribly ashamed of how I look. Not just because I am overweight but everything. And I hate feeling like that. I am working on the overweight part but I can’t really change the other bits. But also it is not about physical looks. It is what I think people see when they see me. A no-one. A none event of a person. Why should they listen to me? What value have I got to add? This is a constant battle for me. It takes a serious amount of effort on my part to be present in a room or office a lot of the time. And that is what I am fighting. That is the day to day battle I face. It might not be leading my thoughts throughout the day - but it is always there - as a constant dull reminder. As the days roll by before the event that is what dominates. What are people going to think? Are they going to laugh when I am on stage? Are they going to avoid me? These are the completely irrational thoughts that fly through my brain. Nothing positive. Just pure sabotage. Now - I will do my daily affirmations and centre myself beforehand to counter balance as best I can and I sure as hell won’t give into them - but they will be there alright!

Which leads me to my song. Hand In My Pocket is my favourite Alanis Morissette song - from the excellent album Jagged Little Pill.

I find this song incredibly emotional. When I listen to this I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up - but I also feel energy running through the centre of my body that often leads to a few tears. I have come to understand that is a common reaction to certain feelings and the energies they bring - physical symptoms are part of that process. This song for me, is about fighting the feeling of being overwhelmed. Of dealing with a lot and coping. Of trying to smile through as best you can and find a positive in situations. I also look at it that the hand in a pocket element is like anchoring. Anchoring is a technique that is taught in NLP (neuro linguistic programming) which helps drive the realisation of a specific frame of mind such as relaxation or happiness. She is taking her chances / doing her actions whilst at the same time seeking her reassurances by having her hand in her pocket. An action that makes her feel safe. That is what I take from this song. You might think that is complete bollocks and like Alanis says that's “fine, fine, fine". It is my interpretation and it speaks to me because I understand that behaviour. It is something I do myself. I don’t mean put my hand in my pocket - but there are actions I take physically and mentally to provide reassurance to myself - to try and be calm. I listen to this song and I hear a kindred spirit. I hear someone who is fighting internal battles to get through a day and looking to something to reassure them. I think that’s why it hits me emotionally - it is how I see myself. Getting through as best I can. And this links back to my opening paragraph. You don’t know what someone is going through. You don’t know what it takes to get them to work every day. You don’t know their insecurities and what they do to them. So be kind. Be there. Be genuine. Reach out. Some of the stand out lyrics from the song paint it better than I ever could:

And what it all comes down to
Is I haven't got it all figured out just yet
Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby

I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing a piano

What I get from this - are the two highlighted parts. Self recognition; I haven’t got it figured out just yet - leading to recognition on a wider lever- no one’s really got it figured out just yet. For me - that is where we need to be. Understand yourself - and be prepared to understand others. I am on a very positive journey - that has helped me to identify my challenges and how to deal with them. But I am also on a journey of understanding. Of how to change the pathways in my brain - and ultimately alter the beliefs I have of myself and turn them into something positive. I am lucky. I am appreciative. I am working hard. I am there for you. For anyone. Don’t be scared. Don’t feel you’re not worth it. Don’t suffer in silence. You are an amazing individual. You deserve to be heard. If anyone needs anything - I am right here.

Look after yourselves people and thanks for reading.

JT

XXX