Black Hole Sun

As I sit and write this it is Mental Health Awareness week in the UK, and the entire month of May is dedicated to Mental Health Awareness in the US. I am sure (and I hope) that other countries are also doing something to raise the awareness of the importance of mental health. For too long it has been overlooked, underestimated and almost frowned upon to discuss. Significant changes have occurred which mean people are becoming more open about discussing it - but we still have a long way to go. I have mentioned before, that I believe one of the biggest challenges with Mental Health is the easy pigeon holes or groupings that issues are categorised into. One doctor once told me that Mental Health illnesses are treated as either depression, anxiety or psychosis which when you think about it - is pretty scary.

One of the difficulties with the subject of Mental Health is it is so wide ranging., There are endless symptoms and so many ways in which it manifests itself that it is so hard to figure out a care plan. Knowing how to counter what is happening just isn’t straight forward. It takes time. It takes commitment. Most of all - it needs help.

When I look at the journey I am on myself there have been many twists and turns. It started many years ago by realising slowly that what I felt about myself wasn’t right - and that it certainly was not sustainable. That it was doing a lot of damage to myself and to those around me. I spoke to a couple of coaches - neither of which were for me - and I knew that within minutes of talking to them. I went to the doctors - who wanted to work out where I was on the depression to psychosis line so they could medicate me. I knew that wasn’t for me. I knew that my issues were about me and my brain and not how my body was functioning so I refused to have that conversation. I read some books - this is where I met the Chimp Paradox which is an interesting read but one I buy into less and less every time I read it. It is still a good place to start though. I tried meditating - without success at that stage as I just couldn’t disengage my brain and assumed that I wasn’t doing it properly if I couldn’t switch off.

The first signs of a breakthrough were when I went to CBT (cognitive brain therapy). This started to encourage me to think differently and challenge my thoughts which was a huge help. It started to introduce me to the power of the brain and made me aware of the affects that negative thinking can have on you. I then enrolled on an excellent NLP course (Neurolinguistics programming) which was very interesting. This taught me to try and engage the subconscious mind more and trust my gut and the instincts I had. An eye opening course and one I am glad that I did - but that’s enough NLP for me - I find it to be a technique that is open to abuse too much as it tends to prey on people’s vulnerabilities. Most definitely worth learning about but I am glad I drew the line where I did. Personal choice - some people swear by it.

It was at this time that I found the coach that I am with now (lucky him!).

This was the next major step forward for me. This was someone who challenged me to make changes to my thought process. Who asks the right questions at the right time. That teaches me that it is myself that holds the power and if I can get that right then I am able to affect the changes I need to and change some of my belief systems. A huge breakthrough. Don’t get me wrong I am pretty fucking far from the finished article but if you were to ask him I think he would comment on the progress he has seen in a favourable way. Another step was connecting with a very old friend of mine who is now an expert in Neuroscience and starting to embark on a journey of learning around that. I can tell you - I am only at the very beginning of that journey and it is wild. It is crazy interesting and I am excited about learning more. I believe it is changing the way I think - helping to take away some of the negative patterns my brain runs and creating positive ones. Am looking forward to this.

One key step that had to be done without any professional help though - was realising that I wasn’t okay and opening up. Talking to people close to me (and you know who you are) has been a game changer for me. Yeah at first I was embarrassed. It is human nature. But once you start that and see that the right people around you care and don’t want you to struggle it becomes a cathartic and healing experience that is an incredibly important step forward. I had to push myself outside my comfort zone to have some of those conversations but the benefits were huge.

So what is the point to all of this you ask? I wanted to outline the voyage of discovery that I had to go on to help me embark on my journey. I wanted to detail what it took to get there and the determination that it took. But it was worth it so I could find the right path for myself. And the message that I want to put out there is that I encourage you to do the same - don’t give up - you will find the right path and you will heal.

Going back to the point I made about the line of depression - anxiety and psychosis - I never felt like I was dealing with any of that. For me, I was dealing with a range of elements. Lack of self belief. Self loathing. Huge dips in confidence. Never feeling I fit in. Feeling that whatever I did wasn’t good enough. Over compensating just to try and fit in. Having very negative thoughts about myself from how I look to who I am. Those were / are my wheelhouses. They were my sweet spots. I think deep down I knew this was a mental challenge - by that I mean by brain was serving this shit up and I was attracting it by acting in that way. By believing it. So changing my beliefs and thought processes really had to be a major part behind my road to being me again.

I guess what I am saying here is don’t fall into the trap of being pigeon holed into a Mental Health category - and do not fall into the trap of doing that to other people. If it is okay for you to not be okay - then it is certainly okay for other people to not be okay. And their challenges (that you don’t know about) might be enormous to them - and they need respecting regardless of what your interpretations might be. Everyone’s challenges are relative to them and they have a right to feel them. What we need to do is help. Be open. Listen. More importantly hear. If you are lucky enough for someone to open up to you do not betray that trust. You aren’t there to fix. You are there to hear. And to care. You do not know what they are dealing with and how it impacts them.

Which leads me finally onto the song that this blog is named after. Black Hole Sun is for me, an iconic and powerful track that came out in full grunge era in 1994. Like any song it is a work of art that is open to interpretation - and with music that interpretation can be affected by mood.

In my eyes
Indisposed
In disguises no one knows
Hides the face
Lies the snake
And the sun in my disgrace
Boiling heat
Summer stench
Neath the black, the sky looks dead
Call my name
Through the cream
And I'll hear you scream again

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain?
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come
Won't you come

For what it’s worth - my interpretation is someone struggling to be themselves. Struggling to let themselves out. Hiding themselves away and protecting themselves for fear of being vulnerable. Wanting the feeling to wash away so they can breathe again and be them again. That is my view. That’s how I hear it.

The other link this song provides is a reminder that no one really knows what someone is going through. Which is another apt reminder for Mental Health Awareness. The suicide of Chris Cornell - the lead singer of Soundgarden - was another death that shook the music world. An exceptionally talented singer (arguably one of the best ever thanks partly to his incredible vocal range), songwriter (he apparently wrote Black Hole Sun in 15 minutes?!) and guitarist his was another struggle that went unheard and ended in tragedy. R.I.P. Chris.

I think where I want to finish with on this piece is to encourage you to be open. Open to listening and hearing. Open to caring. To learn. To not belittle someone when they are not okay. To not judge. To be a kind human.

Also to be open to talking if you are struggling. No problem is too small. It is all relative. Be brave. Open up to someone and be honest. It will help. It will be a step in the right direction. The world is a tough place right now and we need each other more than ever. So please. Don’t give up. Open up. It’s okay to not be okay.

Thanks again for reading. Look after yourselves people.

Much Love

JT